I became intrigued when I heard the statement expressed by Jim Rohn, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
If we can look at the 5 people closest to us and say we are a reflection of this combined group, we need to ask ourselves, are we happy with that reflection? What are we seeing about ourselves in that reflection?
This is a thought-provoking question. If we sit back for a moment and really think about the people we spend the most time with, we find that some people are on the list because we consciously choose to spend time with them, and others happen to invade our time because of circumstances beyond our control.
This requires us to look at the choices we’re making regarding people we spend time with. We need to ask ourselves – are these people good for us?
Hopefully, we can say that at least 2 or 3 of these people are people that we truly choose to be with – mentors, role models, good friends and family members who are so good for us that we appreciate their presence as a gift from the universe. It’s easy to see the gifts of care, kindness, love and support that they bring into our lives and we often wish we could spend even more time with them.
At the same time, many of us find ourselves in toxic relationships that we can’t seem to avoid – sometimes out of convenience and sometimes out of necessity. We may have an abusive boss that we need to put up with on a daily basis, landing him or her on the list of the top 5 people we spend time with. That needy family member that we can’t get rid of and is draining our energy is another that may make our list.
It’s important to notice that some of our friendships may be toxic as well, yet we keep going back for more. How often do we find ourselves putting up with a negative person, who saps us of energy so that every interaction leaves us feeling frustrated, angry, or annoyed?
We may sometimes feel that we don’t have a choice in the matter, but the truth is that we always do. I’m not saying surround yourself with a bunch of ‘yes’ men (or women!) who make you feel good. But I am saying, ask yourself if the people you hang out with are good for you.
‘Good for you’ can mean people that disagree with you, challenge your thinking and provide alternative perspectives for you to see yourself. ‘Not good for you’ means people who demean you, suck the life-force from you and demand so much of you that there is nothing left. You know what that means, and you know who those people are! It’s really about asking yourself if you are making a conscious choice about who you spend time with or if you do it because they happen to be in your space. That choice is always in your hands.
A personal example of this for me was when I changed my career to become an executive coach. As I was doing the research and finding out how viable coaching is as a business, I came across many coaches who said, “keep your day job, you can’t make a living out of coaching”; “coaching is great as a hobby but not as a profession”; and my personal favourite, “Are you crazy? An actuary leaving their career to be a coach? You earn the highest salaries as actuaries – don’t do it!”
Of course, these people meant well and tried to give me a ‘realistic’ picture of what it’s like for coaches in the world of business. However, I was passionate about my career change and determined to make it a success, so I began seeking out people who were working as full-time coaches and doing well. With this group of people, a very different picture emerged. Here I began hearing how it is possible to have a successful coaching business if you work hard at it; how the rewards of working in your passion are worth the effort. The spirit of abundance and sharing that I experienced with this group of coaches made me want to be a part of this world even more. I began hearing success story after success story and consciously distanced myself from the naysayers…
And it worked! Within a few years, I was already seeing the rewards of my efforts and commitment. After 16 years in a full-time coaching business, I can say that it is possible and it is worth it.
It’s easy to associate with a negative group and get sucked into the negativity. I remember the negativity of office gossip at the coffee stations! Or, we can make a choice to seek out the people who will give us the perspective we want to go for and keep at it.
We need both our supporters and our critics – the people who will encourage us no matter what and the people who make us challenge our own thinking, and who offer different perspectives so that we can stretch ourselves even further. So make sure you are intentional about whom you choose to spend time – spend more time with those that bear gifts and less with those who drain us.
So… who are the five in your tribe?
And…
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